Academic humor

Academic humor consists of humor that appeals to a certain educational level, those with a familiarity with academic or intellectual topics and contents, or those in a very specific academic or technical field. The following are examples of academic and scientific humor.

1 Physics and chemistry

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned. The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He, too, never returned. The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, is this stool taken?”

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

The bartender says, "We don't allow faster-than-light particles in here." A tachyon enters a bar.

Three statisticians go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance. The first one shoots about a meter too high; the second one, about a meter too low; the third one yells, “We got it!”

Famous last words from chemists: 1) “And now the taste test…” 2) “And now shake it a bit…” 3) “In which glass was my mineral water?” 4) “This is a completely safe experimental setup.” 5) “Now you can take the protection window away…”

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were observing an empty building. They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out. The biologist remarked, “Oh, they must have reproduced.” The engineer said, “Our initial count must have been incorrect.” The mathematician stated, “Now if one more person goes into the building, it will be completely empty.”

2 Philosophy

The first five are from the Big Think website.

1. Thales walks into a coffee shop and orders a cup. He takes a sip and immediately spits it out in disgust, he looks up at the barista and shouts, "What is this, water?"
2. Descartes takes his date, Jeanne, to a restaurant for her birthday. The sommelier hands them the wine list, and Jeanne asks to order the most expensive Burgundy on the list. "I think not!" exclaims an indignant Descartes, and he disappears.
3. Jeremy Bentham goes up to the counter at a coffee house, holding a $50 bill. "What's the cheapest drink you have?" he asks. "That would be our decaf roast, for only $1.99," says the barista. "Good," says Bentham and hands her the $50. "I'll buy those for the next twenty-five people who show up."
4. Pierre Proudhon goes up to the counter and orders a Tazo Green Tea with toffee nut syrup, two espresso shots, and pumpkin spice mixed in. The barista warns him that this will taste terrible. "Pah!" scoffs Proudhon. "Proper tea is theft!"
5. Morty comes home to see his wife and his best friend, Lou, naked together in bed. Just as Morty is about to open his mouth, Lou jumps out of bed and says, "Before you say anything, old pal, what are you going to believe, me or your eyes?"