Modern horoscope

Do you believe in horoscopes? Do you think they are real or truthful? Try the following modern horoscope and see what you think. For each month, there is a birth sign, a description of your personality and life, and some specific advice for today. See if you agree with it.

January: Alligator

You are a mean person, but slow and lazy. You are the kind of person that drives too slow in traffic and on highways. You do not have strong ambitions or high goals in life. Your main forms of excitement in life are eating and sleeping a lot. People born under this sign grow up to be sports coaches or janitors.

Daily advice: Today is a great day for eating Chinese food; tofu dishes would be a good choice for watching your weight. Try to be nice to strangers, and they might be nice to you. Try not to sleep on bridges, since you tend to fall off.

February: Water buffalo

You are not very popular, and you have few friends. This is mainly because you only shower once a week. To cover your smell, you may wear large amounts of perfume. You are likely an intelligent person. You are also a godless communist. Water buffalos often study philosophy or become gangsters.

Daily advice: You should avoid stealing from others, and you should not hit yourself on the head with bricks. You should realize that your dog does not like you. Remember to call your parents this week to apologize for being such a bad son/daughter.

March: Snail

You are a slow person, either in the way you eat, talk, drive, or noisily drink sodas in movie theaters. You also do not like excitement in life. In fact, you consider brushing your teeth to be heavy exercise. Your idea of romance is taking a man/woman to a kimchee museum -- every week. Snails often become postal workers, librarians, computer programmers, or museum workers.

Daily advice: Try drinking more coffee for energy. Don't fall asleep in class. Be sure to bring your umbrella in case it rains today. Do not cook and eat dead animals that you have found on the road. Be sure to do your homework today. Remember to eat today so that you don't starve to death at the bus stop.

April: lizard

You are quite a unique person, and you like to be different – even showing off. But sometimes your behavior makes other people wonder if you're from another planet – except your parents, who spend a lot of money on psychologists for you. However, the real problem is that head injury that you had as a child. Lizards often grow up to become bus drivers or hair dressers.

Daily advice: You should remember that it is not a good idea to put your hand directly into a fire. It is also not a good idea to put your tongue on cold metal objects outside on a very cold winter day. Be sure to look both ways before crossing a street, and do not play in the highway.

May: Housefly

You love to annoy others, even though they may want to hit you. This includes trying to impress others by attaching spoons to your face. You also like to set fire to buildings. People born in May often become terrorists or high school English teachers.

Daily advice: Your dreams will come true today. Unfortunately, it's the dreams in which you are being chased by sharks. As a result, you may not want to eat seafood today, or for quite a while. Also, your boyfriend/girlfriend will leave you today.

June: Rhinocerous ("rhino")

People born in May often fall in love with June people. In other words, you attract flies. You like to impress people and attract boyfriends/girlfriends by pretending to be from Ireland. Rhinos generally become appliance repairmen or potato farmers.

Daily advice: Be sure to wear deodorant – you really need it. This week would be a good time to quit your drug habit (or you will become like President Bush later in life). You will be fired from your job soon, so don't spend too much money.

July: Sloth

Sloths are lazy, but make up for it by being resourceful. In your social life, you use your sense of humor well to attract others, until they realize how strange you are. You like to wear fruit on your head. Sloths often become math teachers later in life.

Daily advice: Remember not to look directly into the sun, no matter how much you believe it is an alien ship. Today would be a good day to do your homework. Don't expect to find romance today – this simply isn't a good day for that. In fact, don't expect to find romance any day. Ever. It's hopeless in your case.

August: Chihuahua

You talk a lot, and you annoy other people. This includes talking loudly on cell phones in class and at funerals. You are also very nervous and easily frightened. People usually give you sedatives and other medication for birthday and Christmas presents. Sometimes people try to poison you. Chihuahuas often become poets or managers of fast food restaurants.

Daily advice: Stop drinking so much expresso – especially before you go to church. This may be a good week to get a haircut or to go see a movie. And if you want to make a better impression on people, you should stop picking your nose.

September: Piranha

You are not choosy about what you eat, and you eat anything you see. In fact, you are quite aggressive, and you even steal food from children and old people. You are attracted to men/women who smell bad. Piranhas often become taxi drivers or politicians later in life.

Daily advice: Avoid eating too much fattening food, and be sure to exercise. When you drive, try not to hit people on the street, and do not try to race with the bus drivers. And don’t believe everything you hear on TV commercials – animals do not really talk.

October: Hyena

You like to laugh a lot, and have a great sense of humor. This includes making fun of other people. You may have trouble concentrating on serious things like relationships or studying. Thus, you will not be very successful in life, and few companies will want to hire a psycho like you. Hyenas often become comedians, or street beggars who constantly talk to themselves.

Daily advice: Avoid talking to yourself in public, especially having entire conversations and arguments with yourself. Then people won't look at you strangely, and members of the opposite gender may stop avoiding you. To really improve your chances at romance today, stop dressing as a clown.

November: Squid

You like to be different. You are a cross-dresser, and you do it so well that your friends have no idea what your true identity is. You're probably not sure, either, but that's okay, because if you have a pet dog, it won't care about such things, and will love you anyway.

Daily advice: You may not be happy with your romantic life, but that's okay, because you're busy enough learning how to repair your car with parts from your old computer. But try to learn to cook something besides instant noodles if you want to avoid health problems, such as starvation.

December: Cockroach

You are a dirty person, you carry lots of diseases, and you eat other people's food. Many people want to kill you. You often get into trouble because of your anti-social personality. However, you get a lot of exercise and you're in good physical condition. This is because you are always running from the police.

Daily advice: You may want to move to another city to avoid all the people who don't like you. Changing your name and appearance may be a good idea, too, so be sure to find a good plastic surgeon. Be sure to spend your time well in jail today by reading a good book.