Argument clinic

The "Argument Clinic" is a famous sketch from from the British TV show Monty Python's Flying Circus. The sketch was written and performed by John Cleese and Graham Chapman, and first aired in 1972. The video can be found here on Youtube

1 Characters

The cast (in order of appearance)

• M= Man looking for an argument
• R= Receptionist
• Q= Abuser
• A= Arguer
• C= Complainer
• H= Head Hitter

2 Argument Clinic sketch

The scene begins with the customer (the man looking for an argument) approaching a receptionist.

M:	Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R:	Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M:	No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R:	I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M:	Well, what is the cost?
R:	Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M:	Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R:	Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
	[pause]
R:	Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M:	Thank you.
	(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Q:	WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M:	Well, I was told outside that...
Q:	Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M:	What?
Q:	Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M:	Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q:	OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M:	Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q:	Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M:	Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q:	Not at all.
M:	Thank you.
Q.	(under his breath) Stupid git!!
	(M. walks down the corridor)
M:	(Knocks)
A:	Come in.
M:	Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A:	I told you once.
M:	No you haven't.
A:	Yes I have.
M:	When?
A:	Just now.
M:	No you didn't.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	You didn't
A:	I did!
M:	You didn't!
A:	I'm telling you I did!
M:	You did not!!
A:	Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M:	Oh, just the five minutes.
A:	Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M:	You most certainly did not.
A:	Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M:	No you did not.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	No you didn't.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	No you didn't.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	No you didn't.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	You didn't.
A:	Did.
M:	Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A:	Yes it is.
M:	No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A:	No it isn't.
M:	It is!
A:	It is not.
M:	Look, you just contradicted me.
A:	I did not.
M:	Oh you did!!
A:	No, no, no.
M:	You did just then.
A:	Nonsense!
M:	Oh, this is futile!
A:	No it isn't.
M:	I came here for a good argument.
A:	No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M:	An argument isn't just contradiction.
A:	It can be.
M:	No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A:	No it isn't.
M:	Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A:	Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M:	Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A:	Yes it is!
M:	No it isn't!
M:	Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
	(short pause)
A:	No it isn't.
M:	It is.
A:	Not at all.
M:	Now look.
A:	(rings bell) Good Morning.
M:	What?
A:	That's it. Good morning.
M:	I was just getting interested.
A:	Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M:	That was never five minutes!
A:	I'm afraid it was.
M:	It wasn't.
	(pause)
A:	I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M:	What?!
A:	If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M:	Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A:	(hums)
M:	Look, this is ridiculous.
A:	I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M:	Oh, all right. (pays money)
A:	Thank you.
	(short pause)
M:	Well?
A:	Well what?
M:	That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A:	I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M:	I just paid!
A:	No you didn't.
M:	I DID!
A:	No you didn't.
M:	Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A:	Well, you didn't pay.
M:	Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A:	No you haven't.
M:	Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A:	Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M:	Oh I've had enough of this.
A:	No you haven't.
M:	Oh Shut up.
	(walks down the stairs, opens door)
M:	I want to complain.
C:	You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M:	No, I want to complain about...
C:	If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M:	Oh!
C:	Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.
	(slams door, walks down corridor, opens next door)
M:	Hello, I want to... (H. hits M. on the head) Ooooh!
H:	No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M:	Uuuwwhh!!
H:	Better, better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
	(puts hand on head)
M:	No.
H:	Now.
M:	Waaaaah!!!
H:	Good, Good! That's it.
M:	Stop hitting me!!
H:	What?
M:	Stop hitting me!!
H:	Stop hitting you?
M:	Yes!
H:	Why did you come in here then?
M:	I wanted to complain.
H:	Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M:	What a stupid concept.